Reassuring Children in Unsettling Times / from Linda Jo Platt
Linda Jo Platt, director of Community Nursery School, sent the following material to CNS families today and thought it might be of use to some of you:
I thought this article directly below from The Well Centered Child might help you with talking with your children about the coronavirus outbreak and how it has affected your family. The original article referred to war but I have changed that vocabulary but it is a kind of war we are fighting.
I have also added an article from The New York Times Parenting page on how to talk specifically with your children about this particular virus and its effects. Both will be helpful in talking with your children – We are thinking of you all and indeed miss you all and hope to be back here soon – ljp
Reassuring Children in Unsettling Times
Any parent who tunes in the morning news these days knows that dealing with one’s feelings about this corona virus isn’t easy, even for grown-ups. Yet young children are faced with exactly the same task we are. For them however, coping with worries about them or their families becoming sick can be an even trickier business.That’s partly because children lack our adult understanding of time and place and of what’s real and what’s not real. It’s also because they have much less experience with the world around them than adults do – and much less control over their daily lives.
In uncertain times, children need sensitive, confident support from those who care for them. Children draw strength from adults who know how to keep them safe.
Fortunately, providing reassurance is something parents and others who care for children are already experts in. They know each child’s temperament and what else might be going on in his or her life. Parents have always found ways to help children cope with everything from noisy vacuum cleaners and imaginary monsters to first sleep overs.
The ground rules don’t change much when it comes to supporting children who are apprehensive about world events.
* ASK It always helps to find out what your child knows about this virus and how it has affected our lives. You may be surprised at how much your child has taken in – and misunderstood- even if you make every effort to keep the TV off. Make an offhand comment that there’s been a lot of talk lately about being sick these days and ask your child to share any thoughts. Even children who don’t have much to say, will be be relieved to know that being sick or the corona virus is a topic it’s okay to bring up. As Fred Rogers use to say, “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.”
* LISTEN Listening to your child’s answers can help you figure out how to respond. It’s better to address actual fears than bring up scenarios your child might not have even thought of. Some children may worry who would take care of them or family members. Others worry that they could get sick. And still others may assume the whole thing is nothing more than a long vacation and not be concerned at all. Indeed. I met one of our Twos yesterday walking down Oak who told me to have a good long vacation and then waited to see me drive away from the school.
* RESPOND Address what’s on your child’s mind. Because you know your child, you’ll sense the balance between giving too much information and too little. No matter what you decide, offer concrete reassurance to children who express concern. All children, even older ones, need to hear that adults know what to do and that there will always be someone to take care of them. Your calmness and confidence send the strongest and most reassuring message of all.
* PLAY For children, play is one of the most effective ways of understanding and coping in unsettling times. It allows then to adjust to events under their own terms and at their own speed. It lets them try out emotional responses and helps them feel competent and confident. Be sure your children have adequate time to play every day
All of this isn’t necessarily easy, of course, especially when you are in the midst of coping with your own reactions especially with the change in almost everyone’s routine. but it’s worth the effort. You’re helping your children build an awareness that they’ll be taken care of and that worries of all kinds can be face, talked about and managed.
How to Talk to Kids About Coronavirus By Jessica Grose from NYTimes Parenting
Keeping your own anxiety in check is key.
This article was last upated on March 13.
By now, your children may have heard about the new coronavirus, whether it’s from a snippet of a news briefing or from other kids at school. They may have family members who have been quarantined here because of recent international travel, or they may even know someone who is sick. “My patients are scared,” said Dr. Nia Heard-Garris, M.D., an attending physician at the Ann and Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago.
So what should you tell kids about the coronavirus, and how? We spoke to a pediatrician, two psychologists, a pediatric infectious disease specialist and a safety expert for their best tips.
Dr. Heard-Garris said that you should start the conversation by asking what your child has heard about the virus. If they’ve heard that people all over the world are dying, and the Grim Reaper is coming for us, too, that’s a very different conversation than if they’ve just heard it’s like the flu, Dr. Heard-Garris said.
If your child is under 6 and has not heard about the virus yet, you may not want to bring it up, as it may introduce unnecessary anxiety, said Abi Gewirtz, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Minnesota, and the author of the forthcoming book “When the World Feels Like a Scary Place: Essential Conversations for Anxious Parents and Worried Kids.”
Process your own anxiety first
Make sure “you’re not panicking in their presence around the topic,” said Dunya Poltorak, Ph.D., a pediatric medical psychologist in private practice in Birmingham, Mich. “Your demeanor is going to stir this massive pot of anxiety.” So try to process any fears you may have before you talk to your children, whether it’s by talking to a friend, a partner or a therapist. “We don’t want our children to feel like the world is so scary,” said Dr. Gewirtz, because that might keep them from being curious and engaged.
Don’t dismiss your child’s fears
If your child is afraid because some kid on the bus told him he might die, that’s a real fear and you should take it seriously, Dr. Gewirtz said. If you simply tell the child, “You’ll be fine,” they might not feel heard. “Listen to them and track what the child is feeling,” she said. You can say something in a calm voice like, “That sounds pretty scary, I can see it in your face.” You can also relay an anecdote from your own childhood about a time when you were scared. Then, after the child has calmed down, perhaps over dinner, you can bring up coronavirus again.
Talk at an age-appropriate level
If you are talking to your young child about the virus, you can say something like, “There’s lots of different viruses, like when your tummy hurts, or sometimes when you have a bad cold. Coronavirus is another type of virus,” Dr. Poltorak said.
Depending on how old your child is and how much they know, you might also say something like, “This illness is different than a cold because it’s new, but people are trying really hard to make sure it doesn’t spread, and they treat people who are sick. If you ever have questions, talk to me,” Dr. Heard-Garris said. You can also say, “Scientists and really smart people all around the world are trying to figure out how to keep people safe and healthy.”
Emphasize good hygiene
Make sure your kids are washing their hands for at least 20 seconds before and after meals, after they go to the bathroom, after they come in from outside and after they’ve blown their nose or put their hands in their mouth, said Dr. Rebecca Pellett Madan, M.D., a pediatric infectious disease specialist at N.Y.U. Langone’s Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital. Children should sing “Happy Birthday” twice to know how long to wash their hands, and then make sure they are drying them thoroughly. Hand sanitizers may be less effective for small children, Dr. Madan said, because they need to evaporate fully to kill all the germs, and little kids may be rushing off to touch toys or other kids before the sanitizer has dried. For people of all ages, hand washing is preferable to hand sanitizer, though sanitizer is a decent option if hand washing is not possible.
Several experts recommended making hand washing into a game. “You can even make it into a competition,” said Judith Matloff, who teaches conflict reporting at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism and is the author of the upcoming book “How to Drag a Body and Other Safety Tips You Hope to Never Need: Survival Tricks for Hacking, Hurricanes and Hazards Life Might Throw at You.” Compete with your kids to see who can wash their hands the longest, or who can make the suds the biggest.
If you have a little nose picker, Dr. Madan suggested saying something like, “Do you remember when your friend was out sick last week? Being sick is part of being human, but when you’re picking your nose, you can get boogers on your fingers and they can spread germs to your friends.” She also recommended an episode of the show “Ask the StoryBots” on Netflix called “How Do People Catch a Cold?” for an age-appropriate explanation for little kids about how germs work.
Frame school closures as a positive
Dr. Poltorak recommended saying something like, “There’s lots of icky bugs going around and we’re going to hang tight at home so they can clean the schools out.” Try to frame it as a positive — more time at home where we can have fun! — rather than something to fear, especially among the youngest children. Matloff also suggested preparing now for potential closures by shopping for new games, books and arts and crafts supplies.
Try to maintain a routine as much as you possibly can. Rebecca Kanthor, a Shanghai-based reporter, wrote a piece for us about what life is like under coronavirus quarantine in China. In addition to keeping a routine, experts recommend making sure your kids get enough exercise. Matloff suggested having your kids keep a quarantine journal, where they can write or draw their thoughts and experiences, which can help keep them occupied and process their anxiety.
Finally, several experts recommended that you try to enjoy the time together as much as you can, without losing your mind. “With few distractions, I’m reminded how much I should cherish these moments together,” Kanthor wrote. “I will, I promise — after I’m done hiding out in the bathroom.”
